It was my sister’s wedding the other day and everything was perfect except for my state of mind.
I’m experiencing something right now where “all my inputs are open” and I’m extremely sensitive to my surroundings. It’s very hard to concentrate on my experience alone. I’m worried about everyone else’s. And sometimes I feel so heady that I feel like I’ll evaporate. Sometimes into nothingness, other times into a heavenly spirit.
The most difficult thing about this time in my life is that I have to battle every day to stay confident that things will get better. But sometimes instead of finishing the battle I stop halfway and remain in a restless state of indecision: Should I let go into a state of depression and hopelessness? Or should I keep going and venture forward into the mystery?
I know what the right answer is—to keep going—but sometimes I don’t have the same wisdom as I do know. Sometimes I’m unable to think clearly like I am now and I must keep moving. And moving in restlessness has become okay to me. But it is not really okay. I am not enjoying life and I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. This is a problem.
So what will I do? I will remember this: Go all-in on optimism. Even when it feels like a lie, even when it feels too far away, and even when the hopelessness is pulling me down. There’s a spirit inside me that is true. Let this spirit take hold. It lies in the heart. It’s more powerful than the thoughts. This is where God and Love live.
Let them take you. Live in them. Despite what I was programmed into thinking over the years I believe that God and Love are true—the truest—and I know that the truth is good. And good is good. So I will follow it. And I will remember that there is no battle to be won. The battle is the trick. Love is the truth.